Soviet Jokes About Living Under Oppression

The Soviet people lived under a regime where private life, ideas and opinions were banished from public expression by state media.  Now the USA has state media rivaling the USSR, only difference is ambiguity whether the media runs the state or vice-versa as in Soviet days.  In any case, Russians and others under that regime voiced their resistance by sharing jokes at the expense of the autocrats.  Wikipedia provides some instructive examples for Americans in the days ahead.

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. “I just heard the funniest joke in the world!”
“Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge.
“I can’t – I just gave someone ten years for it!”

Q: “Who built the White Sea Canal?”
A: “The left bank was built by those who told the jokes, and the right bank by those who listened.”

Q: Will there be KGB in communism?
A: As you know, under communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

Q: How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?
A: Put up a sign saying “collective farm”. Then half the mice will starve, and the rest will run away.

“Lubyanka (KGB headquarters) is the tallest building in Moscow. You can see Siberia from its basement.”

A new arrival to Gulag is asked: “What were you given 10 years for?”
– “For nothing!”
– “Don’t lie to us here, now! Everybody knows ‘for nothing’ is 3 years.”

Q: What’s the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: A capitalist fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time, there was….”. A Marxist fairy tale begins, “Some day, there will be….”

A Soviet history professor addressed his university students: “Regarding the final exam, I have good news and bad news.  The good news: All the questions are the same as last year.  The bad news:  Some of the answers are different.”

Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the US and USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech.
A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

Q: Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?
A: Of course! Life was already better yesterday than it’s going to be tomorrow!

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. “Comrade Khrushchev among pigs,” “Comrade Khrushchev and pigs,” and “Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev” are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: “Third from left – comrade Khrushchev.”

Q: “What is the main difference between succession under the tsarist regime and under socialism?”
A: “Under the tsarist regime, power was transferred from father to son, and under socialism – from grandfather to grandfather.”

Q: What are the new requirements for joining the Politburo?
A: You must now be able to walk six steps without the assistance of a cane, and say three words without the assistance of paper.

Our Soviet industry system is simple and works very well.  Our bosses pretend to pay and we pretend to work.

An old woman asks her granddaughter: “Granddaughter, please explain Communism to me. How will people live under it? They probably teach you all about it in school.”
“Of course they do, Granny. When we reach Communism, the shops will be full–there’ll be butter, and meat, and sausage. You’ll be able to go and buy anything you want…”
“Ah!” exclaimed the old woman joyfully. “Just like it was under the Tsar!”

A man walks into a shop and asks, “You wouldn’t happen to have any fish, would you?”. The shop assistant replies, “You’ve got it wrong – ours is a butcher’s shop. We don’t have any meat. You’re looking for the fish shop across the road. There they don’t have any fish!”

Q: “What happens if Soviet socialism comes to Saudi Arabia?
A: First five years, nothing; then a shortage of oil.”

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin: “I knew you would not object to the first one.”

 

 

6 comments

  1. Tim Harding · January 18

    Reblogged this on The Logical Place.

    Like

  2. doug1943 · January 18

    Here’s one of my favorite Soviet jokes (not THE favorite … that comes next):

    During the Brezhnev reign in the USSR, a group of British school teachers visits Moscow on a ‘cultural exchange’.
    They go to one of the special language schools, where the children are taught in English.
    The headmistress there is very proud of her school, and says to them, “Go ahead. Walk into any classroom and question the children in English.”
    They head down the corridor, and pass a mathematics class… and ask if they can observe it.
    The teacher welcomes them in, and says, “Go ahead …ask the children a math problem in English.”
    So one of the British teachers says, “Now boys and girls … if I bought twenty apples for three kopecks each, and then sold twelve of them for six kopecks each … what would I get?”
    A young boy’s hand shoots up, and she calls on him.
    He says, “Comrade teacher … five years, minimum!”

    Like

  3. oiltranslator · January 22

    Petr Beckmann published Hammer and Tickle back in 1980. Three’s a Crowd: Why do members of the secret police patrol in threes?
    One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

    Like

  4. doug1943 · January 25

    My favorite Soviet joke:[Background: in the Soviet Union, if you fought in the ‘Great Patriotic War’ against the Nazis, you were allowed to wear your medals on your civilian clothes.]

    A man, a veteran of WWII, is sent out by his wife to try to buy some meat. At the butcher shop, he stands in a long queue for several hours. The people in the queue wait patiently … only to be told by the shop’s manager at the end of the day, that, unfortunately, there will be no meat delivered that day.

    As the disappointed people in the queue begin to disperse, he snaps. “NO MEAT? NO MEAT?: What in the hell did I risk my life in the war for? So my family could eat beans? NO MEAT??? I’ll bet those fat motherf*****s up in the Kremlin have meat tonight!! I’ll bet they never have to eat beans!!!!”

    The people around him back fearfully away … and then … what they fear, actually happens.

    A large heavy-set man in a camel-hair overcoat (KGB garb) appears, claps his arm around the complainer’s shoulders, and says grimly, “Come with me, comrade!!!” He roughly steers the man — now shaking with fear — over to an alley, and pushes him up against a wall.

    He says, “Now look here, comrade! We all know that these are difficult times, due to the American imperialists. You of all people, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, should know how to endure hard times! But what you said was TREASON! Now … in view of your service … I’m going to let you go… just this once…. and consider yourself lucky, comrade … you know what would have happened to you under Comrade Stalin, don’t you?!” And he makes his hand into the shape of a pistol and says, “Pow!”

    The man, his knees turned to water, makes his way home. As he enters his flat, his wife says, “Did you get any meat?” “No,” he replies. “So they’ve run out of meat?” she asks. “Oh, it’s worse than that,” he says. “Worse than that?” she says incredulously. “How can it be worse than that?”
    And he replies ….
    ……
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    “They’ve run out of bullets!!”

    Like

    • Ron Clutz · January 25

      Thanks Doug. You remind of the story about the Soviet sergeant gathering his platoon in the morning. “Men, there’s good news and bad news today. Good news: we get a change of underwear today. Bad news: You change with him, and you change with . . .

      Like

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